Death, is only the beginning...

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Hey peepz…. Sorry for not having much updates.
I am glad that 1 friend told me that my blog was rather interesting in a way as it was thoughtful haha… I won’t spell your name out you know who you are.

And to another friend Haha I am glad u read that dedicated to friends section specially to you. Psst.. I know sometimes you are too shy because this friend, ‘younger sister’ of yours is super playful.

Ok, people, I know some of you do read this blog just sometimes lazy to tag the box. So actually I don’t care much neither who do and don’t read. It’s like a situation when sometimes u hope people tag your chat board and then in the end you end up regretting it as you get some hell of a troublemaker, flaming you for your own post. Kind of like invading into your private playground or should I say private sanctuary, so I must be more than glad I dun have such thugs around in my own playground.
*author note* this private playground is only to those and whom those I gave my link to, which I would say it is like a VIP pass to this little, humble playground I am willing to share.

Some thing to make you guys think about.“If life was bad enough then what is really bad? Where’s the clear difference in what is is good and what is bad to say that life is bad? ”

Boo *stick out tongue*
I don’t require an essay but I would love to hear some of my friends answer to this one. (Slight note this question was random I didn’t take it from somewhere or anyone. I came up with this question)

M.D

-MajorDuivel faced death at 2:58 AM

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Hey beautiful,(I mean to everyone who read or even check this blog *other than myself*) the darkness is always one color. Given a chance to change it what would you think I would change to?

I am, not even sure does anybody read this blog or even look at it. As my tag box is so lifeless. (I am not complaining at all seriously). So much has been going on in my life. And every time went something happens I keep it inside me, I know there is Someone or a few people out there will be willing to hear me out but even if you guys are ready, I am not prepared as I won’t know where to start from. (Unless u catches me at that time at one of the problem)
There are so many thing, which people won’t want to hear or want to know thus most of the time I keep them in. some people might be able to relate to me as they have the same problem before or still having them. Sometimes honestly speaking, when I am smiling doesn’t mean I am happy I maybe crying, when I laughing I maybe frowning, and when I keep quiet it is not because I am angry but I am thinking or how not to be angry. There is so much complexity in me that I don’t understand but on top of that I know I have never been happy. I have not be fighting against anyone except myself as I was trying to outshine myself not for myself but for some impt ppl in my life to look at me, to notice me but it never work thus always I feel all my effort were in vain. Never have I once crossed their minds, or maybe it does but does it outweigh what they have in their mind. Such as ‘oh she is like that, never really need to be concern about!’ ‘She don’t need us to be around, she could handle things’. And etc thoughts. I don’t understand what Adults adult thinks about. Somehow I feel like I have never been praise before but always the opposite somehow condemn.

I been thru lots and lots of shit that somehow I feel that I had lost my sanity ages ago. And what I have now is insanity or a real crazy, out of this world life. Honestly speaking, I don’t remember much of my childhood days not because it was too good but it contains chapters and chapters of darkness I have that I had it overwritten my happy days.
At one stage I feel that life is a battlefield even at home, your own survival have to be self dependence as even the closes allies would betray you and stab u from the back. *raise both hands up in defiance* I know some of you would say “HEY! You are not the only one in pain and suffering and had to go through that even I did”. I understand that there are people out there who have the same problem as me, but do you always have them? Do you always live on to force yourself to laugh and you feel life is just another illusion. I have this poster that says “optimistic, always look towards the sun as the shadow will fall behind you.” I 150% feel that when I always look towards the sun the shadow will always slap my back into my face, as there was no sun in the first place to look at from the start.

Something to reflect about yesterday, I went out buying stuff for my folks for the BLOODY NEW YEAR! so as I exit the building I saw someone on the floor about 100 feet away from me. There were so many people around him plus two guys helping him out. I keep staring as I walk away, I didn’t know what is the pushing factor that got me to walk away and not do anything even though I went through lifeguard training got the cert but I just walk away. Then this thought came to me, ‘so what you are trained?’ ‘Do you think they need your help, it seems they got it control?’ ‘what makes it think you could help them?’ I keep thinking I am inferior and help was always not need from me. Then it hit me what if someone in front of my fainted would I help him/her? I am not sure would I do it. this is what I need to reflect on and think about.

i am not signing off as this is so Not duivel.

-MajorDuivel faced death at 6:43 PM

Monday, January 19, 2009

Good evening, to the sweet one. I see that you guys are tired of flying and is resting your wings at my domain. What can I, duivel, do for you? Don’t worry, don’t fear, this is my sanitary, thus it can be yours…….

------------
there was a tunnel filled with emptiness,
In this emptiness it contains darkness,
In this darkness, lies a monster,
In this monster, it hides a person,
In this person, it’s filled with love,
In this love, it’s filled with hated,
In this hated, it contains a story…
-------

I have watched a Japanese drama called life I somehow had that strong urge to talk about it. The topic is bullying. I may never occur to you that in some way u are actually doing that without u knowing. This drama is more of the extreme side which I mean super extreme bullying. This story not only highlight that bullying is wrong but there are so many forms of bullying, other than that they also highlighted that fighting against bullies is not wrong either. Sad to say I have not completed watching this drama but this really triggers me to want to write something about it. I somehow feel that in our society, even if it is not the extreme bullying like in the drama series but there is always this problem around.

And that is *snap of fingers* correct “bullying’ this form of act can’t be erase or be honored. I guess every one of us will go through some form of bullying and after going thru that u will turn around and bully others without u knowing. I have seen bullying in front of me and was bullied before (I know ... weird huh duivel getting bully? But I was saved by a friend when I was primary school). I know what it feels like being bully thus I do sympathy them, but sometimes I feel they deserve it but some way I still feel it is not the right thing to do.

I know it is human nature to despise and ostracize people. Even I do sometimes do that, but I have never bully anyone in the context to making them feel inferior and cry. I know I am a mean person but I always have a compassionate side which I don’t show thus I know how far I would go before it would be labeled as bullying.

The actual line between what is bullying and what is not is so vague there is no clear distinction between them. So how much is it consider bullying and how little is it not? This is just like back to the fundamental questions what is wrong and what is right? Where the clear distinction in between what is right for u is wrong for me

Alright I have said enough…..

Goodnight restless one,
M.Duivel

-MajorDuivel faced death at 9:51 PM

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Honestly speaking, I’m glad things are blown over. But it never hit me that I have really over strain myself that currently it is my body that is telling me that. I officially am sick now after having a little headache plus a minor fever last night and on top of that I am having a cold now with a dry cough. Haha I feel like shit in a way. My voice sounded kind of off like hoarse, coarse I dun know but I know I sound weird now.

I finally got the time to do things I want to do, thus I am glad I have chunk and chunk of movies to watch, same goes for Japanese animation plus dramas. On top of that I need to play some PC games too haha.. This list is going on like a never ending story.
I wonder how long it will be before I am told by “the perfect one” that I should DO something useful. They never give me a break always telling me I should be doing this or that. Why can’t they understand?
“They” just don’t care or know what I am going through if they know I don’t think they will ever say that or make me do what they feel is right.

*dedicated to a friend*
I am so glad that last night one of my friends chatted with me on msn. I was desperately looking for a person to talk about something which I never tell anyone usually. She was nice as I was like ‘begging’ her to let me NAG off something to her as it was something boiling in me for a long time and when it happens I need to get it out. I always look a friend to hear me out but I didn’t want to bother him plus I didn’t want to call him up cause by talking it out makes me More angry and more emo.
I find it coincident that she came online and I was boiling with anger and rage. And the only person I can turn to was her or my blog. I can’t be grateful enough to actually found such a friend, who is willing to listen to me and be there at least.

I am not saying that all my friends are not there for me but I think they know this about me. That when they need my help I will always be there for them but when I need help I won’t turn to them as I feel I am troubling them.
Thanks again for listening my dear friend.
**********

If you could, show your heart would you, sweet little one?
D,

-MajorDuivel faced death at 4:25 PM

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Its over hahah yeah…I will post the picture of the whole shit I went through but I wont post our pictures.
Since It is over, IT FEEEL MUCH great as compared as last night which I was grinning like a crazy person. Now we are made to stay till ridiculously 5pm for the whole showcase and photo taking on top of that we have to de-kit everything and declare everything is ok hahaa….
I AM BACk… welcome to the duivel world.
Ps: having throat irritation, hopefully I wont get a sore throat before or during Chinese new year. Now I need to get herbal tea o remove the irritation.

-MajorDuivel faced death at 1:59 PM

Sunday, January 11, 2009

A little update… before this is labeled as a Spider cobweb page.
I REALLY HAD enough of everything, I been doing so much stuff but I feel not everyone would feel appreciative of it. Thus I am so sick and tired in the aspect of physically and mentally.

I GIVEEEEEE UPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is all…. There are much more impt topics I want to touch on . will talk abt it soon after my doomsday

there are so much things trap inside

-MajorDuivel faced death at 4:03 PM

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Last night I went to a friend’s birthday party. Thus OFFICALLy today is her birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHIn!! Your birthday cake the message hahaha.. “BE MATURE” hahahaha looks like “BE NATURE” last night was fun with the secret number game. Wow so soon it would be “QUEK” 21st birthday too. Like next month hahaa…

It sucks to actually found out that I didn’t need to take another test I have already Gotten B+ as predicated grades for it but the other test which was MEDICAL TECHNOLOGY the grades are not out thus I HAVE TO STUDY AND THE TEST IS TOMORROW.. Argh it’s one of the hardest to study. I am happy with two tests with B+ *grins*(*I hope moma A dun read this hahaa… or she will spank me for not taking my last test hahaaa….)

The plans for next b-day party is I AM gonna drive there. The number of ppl has been confirm ahhaa and the car is Full hahaha…

I wonder is it hard to actually open up and talk to someone? to me it is rather hard to open up and talk about certain things but u do hear me telling u abit or here and there of what is lock in myself.
Even the closest friend like MR PENGUIN, I rarely open up and talk to him anymore. Somehow I feel I need to reset my defense mechanism

Oh! Fallen one, they have forsaken you except me…
M.D

-MajorDuivel faced death at 3:00 PM

Thursday, January 01, 2009

The first post of the new year of 2009,
welcome back my humble friends.
Isn’t it abit too early to fall to the dark side? *snicker* I leave my evil talking aside first.

I think recently I have a habit of dedicating a little part of my post for a friend. Yup that would be the new trend. If there is anything special it would be place/written by the name dedicated to friend’s slot.

The first slot of DEDICATED TO friends in 2009 goes to…….. *evil smile* *drum roll*
3 of my friends, I am still contemplating should I write your names or should I not as you guys are rather shy and doesn’t want a free advertisement from me.

Here goes to the first friend.
I know that out of all my friends, there is someone who went on a vegetarian diet for 3 days. This act kind of makes me admire this friend for it. Having to have self-perseverance and self control on not eating meat, eggs and some other products. It would be like a living hell to me if I were to go through it. Even when I had to eat half a day vegetarian, I was kind of suffering as not because I can’t restraint myself from meat but the thought of not eating a lot of stuff makes me sick. As there are many products which we are not sure what it contain thus we will always play safe by not eating it. But this friend of mine had to go through that not for half a day but 3 days thus I would applaud this kind of self control. I know I was kind of naughty when u told me you were on vegetarian diet and I went on playing around saying all those food you can’t eat. Thus I bet u didn’t see this coming as I would applaud your actions. (I don’t care if u read this or not as YOU won’t heard me say this to u personally *stick out tongue* ) *u know who u are miss…. HAHA…*

2nd friend

This is for a friend who just went through a minor operation. I would say she is kind of brave to have a minor operation when u tell me the word operation I would winced up and run away. Thus this is not talking about how brave my friend was, but I hope u are feeling better now with the side effect of G.A. and the total sore feeling. Haha.. it is my bad I can’t send gorgeous people to caress you (sayang you). Hope u get well soon like ASAP.

3th friend

HAHAHA… I guess the people reading this must think gosh it is getting more and more worst in a way that the M.D would dedicate it to them. To my last friend (cliché it keep reminding me of that drama and it is exactly the same way ahahah.. ) time passed us so fast and a year have gone but thanks for being at my birthday when it is mine 21st and now yours is coming. I wish u 2 days in advance a happy 21st birthday. I hope u will have a bashing birthday party hehe… don’t worry I will try to make it a unforgettable one haha… *smile*

That all folks for the dedicated to friend’s column. Tune in another time at an unknown day(this column /section of my post is not regular *grins*)

Ok now on my main stream part of my post.

Have you ever have this feeling where you know what is wrong.
But you won’t openly admit it out or tell anyone that you know what it is but rather, shrug it off plus buried it. It‘s like if you were to opening admit it you would have a weak spot, it makes your vulnerable thus shutting things out and keeping it in is the right thing to do. Then there are times, where this looming feeling was overbearing that you can’t help it but agree, with yourself that is a problem you face but you are not gonna solve it. As this has been far too long, too hard to change, there is no one able to solve it but rather you have to solve it yourself but the main point is whether you want it or not.

Ok this is where I shall leave it.

Sweet innocent one, come closer without fear……………….
Major Duivel,

-MajorDuivel faced death at 1:49 PM