Death, is only the beginning...

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

My mind is all clouded,
my vision is all blur,
my body is all fatigue,
my life is all in pieces,
what I need now, is what I always wanted.
When will I be able to obtain it?
when would I be able to sit at a cool place, with the nice breeze blowing at my face and my mind would just be blank and just enjoy what I’m having and the world around me is quiet.

Right now my brain is completely mashed up, I get rather moody when I don’t want it to be. Right now if you chat with me and the way I reply you it may sound that I am blunt or direct, but I may not be in a bad mood but I didn’t mean it that way. It is just my brain can register to make it all seems light and fun.
I guess my brain have reach it final period and it will just implode on me anytime. Currently I’m having a bad headache that I can’t even think straight. Like I am on drugs or something my mind is telling me to go sleep have some rest even my mind is filled with stuff that I need to do.

I am on the verge of taking a gun and pull the trigger on myself.

major mad duivel

-MajorDuivel faced death at 9:39 PM

Friday, October 23, 2009

Ok I am all ok now. haha...

After that post I think I got so much better.
How do I say it?
It’s like I finally put a closure on that chapter in my book of my life.
I am still pretty screwed up as my body clock is all over the place like when it suppose to be sleeping time at night I am all up awake playing game and cant sleep and when it is time for me to awake I am feeling all sleepy and tired.
Argh I need to hurry tune back my clock.

My friend from oversea is coming. Yeah…. Haha.. She is one lucky person I would be showing her some culture stuff.

Ok now I am 100% not awake I going off now.

I WANT TO WATCH PARANORMAL ACTIVITIES !!!!!!! But no one wants to go with me

major duivel

-MajorDuivel faced death at 3:46 PM

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Sunday was a day that I would say I was both physically and mentally tired.i was choking back my tears on Sunday when I went back to the wake. I went back home at 6am to feed mikey and catch a nap before heading back to the wake with mom.
I went back with a heavy feeling in my heart. I was driving and I had to be strong for my mom as if I were to follow her and cry I don’t think I would even make it to the wake. I guess my brother, my dad and I is my mom’s pillar we have to stay strong for her which we did till the part when we can’t.

It was emotionally very sad for me, as I was controlling my emotion since the first day of the funeral wake. I was fighting to be strong and the breaking point was when I heard my mom sobbing very badly, my dad was holding my mom walking behind the coffin. Mom practically broke down and I was actually trying to go to the toilet when I saw my cousins and André carrying grandma coffin and not soon after that I heard wails and I recognized that voice I ran with all my life looking out for my mom. And at the point when I shall my mom I broke down, I quickly when in to help my dad support my mom and comforting my mom to calm down. My dad was also tearing too while holding my mom. Andre told me that he was choking back tears too while holding grandma coffin after hearing the wails as there is a saying that the coffin bearers can’t cry or even if you cry theirs tears cant drop on the coffin or the passed on person will find it hard to leave. When my brother and my cousins had placed my grandma in the vehicle, he quickly ran to our side and hold on to my mom. He started to cry too and hug my mom and walk.

The journey to the crematory ground was very heart wrenching. A lot of us in the bus we controlling our feelings, when we arrived at the crematory I told myself , that I might not be able to take it anymore as I have been suppressing my emotions for the past few days and I have been pushing my memories of my grandma away. The grandma that I will always remember, I shall only write on what I went through so bear with me readers if you are reading this. At the hall, I have not been good as I never wanted to look at my grandma portrait as we always call her pu ma(fat grandma) this is because I have two grandmothers which my parents find it hard to explain to us when we were young which grandmother are we visiting thus they will tell us we going to fat grandma house. The portrait used at the funeral was one that was before grandma became ill and senile thus there were lots of memories flooding my mind when I saw that. The auditorium was filled with jasmine flower smell as it was my grandma wish to have it filled the room with this smell. During that time I was sitting next to both my cousins both of which I have been consoling not to cry. As even I was finding it hard to control my emotions too, I turned to look at my brother he gave me a blown up face by puffing his mouth and I know he was holding back tears too during the service. I could tell everyone was controlling their emotions when people from the church was sending their condolences to us, most of us were holding on to each other for me I was holding on to my cousin hand she grab my hand and didn’t let go till it was our turn to offer a flower to our beloved grandma. It was quite chaotic here as everyone started to break down and cry. And some of them have to be escorted by their respective children. My cousins were all busy as we were all holding on to each other some helping their parents or younger cousin to the viewing gallery.

The viewing gallery was terrible. That I didn’t want to talk about it, at that moment of time I felt very very sad as if someone took something and stab me in the heart. Some many unwanted, bury memories started to flood through my mind as if it was yesterday I was still young.

When I boarded the bus to head back to my 5th auntie house, my thoughts started running like crazy forming words, words of things for my grandma. At that moment I suppressed that and compartmentalized it. Thus this is for my grandma.
You would be always remembered by me this way, for it will always be and forever it will be. The pain that course through our veins are a sign that in our heart there is always a place for you, even though our sadness is like a river flowing endlessly in us. I would want you to know how I will always remember you. You were the only grandma who I always looked forward to go to your house during occasion because without fail you will always give us a big hug and kisses on our cheek when you see us. And upon hearing us calling out to you before we reach the door steps you will always give us your smiling face. I will always remember that you, our grandma dote us all a lot and we always make you angry but you will forgive us after caning us. I remembered that there was a few times all of us ran out of the house some by the front door, some by the back door and the some by the windows. It was a real lively memory when we were in jalan kayu, our grandma house at the bottom floor.

We also won’t forget the food you have prepared for us. That even up till now I still missed eating in that house. I won’t forget our wonderful grandma who had difficulty walking because of your weight. You stood ourside the house and send us off one by one and who always smile and say good bye to us and after seeing the vehicle move off a distance then you start to return back to your home.

This is the grandma I would always remember, not the grandma who was heavily stricken with sickness and suffering. I know this is not fair when you moved out of jalan kayu u still were very sensible but we all had grew up so much and It was not like back then when you did all those small things that will always be remembered . as you were unfamiliar with the area and it would be a hassle for you to go downstairs with us. Therefore the best memories is back then to our so call playground neighborhood at jalan kayu.as practises couldnt be done anymore.

Rest in peace, I believe all of us will cope well in time.

Ps: I honestly had secretly wish that it was my grandma who go first as the other one didn’t really make me keep a place in my heart like my Gua ma( mom’s mother 外婆)
I have been smiling but it was that kind that was plastered there but now even if I want to smile I find it harder. But don’t worry guys I am well known for being strong I would be up and running very soon.

Mourning Major duivel

-MajorDuivel faced death at 1:31 AM

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Ladies and Gentleman (if there is any or those who recognize themselves as gentleman’s) ,

14th November I started my day out by wishing one of my friends, whom it was her birthday, which it was something joyous. Which it seems like a normal day, but in the morning at 9+am I received a call from my mom that my grandma is in the hospital is her condition is critical and I have to go to the hospital to see her and I have to arrange the trip down with my brother.

after hearing that I went back to sleep as I was tired and sleepy as I have what I have to do the whole day running through my brain, like I am scheduling my day in my head. And also my grandmother have been in and out of hospital that I am aware of and not all the time I went to visit her as she pull out of the critical zone.
I went round doing what was on my schedule and first it was the bring mikey down for his morning walks and get myself ready to go see my SHifu(master) for my knee treatment. So in between of waiting for the time to go by faster as my appointment was 11am I quickly gave another 2 more uniforms vendors a call on the project and they both gave me their green lights which was something I felt happy about. Then my brother called me and told me he was on his way home as he told his officers that my grandma is in hospital and is critical they let him went back earlier and we had breakfast together and I went for my treatment.

after my treatment I went back home and complete my task I was suppose to complete and did some more calling of the uniform vendors. And my dad came home we rush to do some impt work stuff and my mom was all panicky that she was rushing to the hospital and we were also finishing up and doing what we must before we leave such as bringing mikey down for his evening walk and feed him first.

On the way to the hospital I keep asking my dad questions which I didn’t ask my mom earlier as on the phone she was all teary and it is hard to get answers from people who can’t calmly tell u finish a sentence . I mindlessly told my dad if grandma were to go I think it would be time’s up for her and it is also a good thing as she had suffered for a long time, it would be the only way to release her from her suffering.
On the way to TTSH which we are reaching novena the first call came, my mom crying badly. I felt my heart swelling about to tear a bit but I control and be cool and calm and tell my mom that we are on the way and is reaching soon. The 2nd time my mom called me we were in TTSH carpark parking the car and my mom told us to HURRRY my grandma cant hold on any longer we need to hurry. My dad and bro practically speed up in their pace and I was like trying to drag myself to move faster. When we found the lift(we were a bit lost as we are not sure how to get to the wards) my mom started Crying hysterically and mumble my grandma had left us. That makes us even more panic, I guess not because of my grandma but there is no one there with my mom except my uncles and aunties and cousin.

We rush like fuck to the wards lift and were stopped again to do registration my brother Burst out in anger and started Scolding people and he calm down when he saw my mom. The reason he have them my grandma is in a critical condition and is dying but she just pass on 2 mins ago but he wants to hurry up to go up to at least look at my grandma for the last time in the hospital even though we were 2 mins late. We rush into the ward and saw my grandma there with an ECG with no pulse except a single straight like with abit of disturbance causing by movement of the bed.
I was so dumbfound as I really didn’t know what to say as like what I know inside me when I was in my dad vehicle I was already prepared. But I didn’t expect that this preparation being condition over time with her in and out of the hospital was finally in use and I felt peaceful suddenly when I was in that ward except they constant of seeing my aunties crying their eyes out and I was trying to tell myself I shan’t cry as it is something good and it is not a bad thing.
I am not sad or unhappy but I guess too many things happen in one day and the next few days would be a tired one.

MY knee after treatment and all the walking abt in the hospital seems like it have defeat its purpose at one stage I was feeling the pain. Then I rested my knee and tomorrow I need to go back again for another set of treatment as I would have medication on. My right knee notice by my master is slightly bigger than my left not because it is swollen but the ligament had healed and had become thicker which is a normal thing.
I have so many things to do… I Hope I can complete the vendors tomorrow and pass to JAJA and be off the next few days doing nothing but staring into space accompanying my mom to the funeral.

Now how will I survive tomorrow’s service I hope I could. Haha with a bandage up knee
No worries ppl I am fine, dun need to console me if it is mikey THEN maybe u need to do it.

lastly i hope my grandma would go to a better place than this world. hope u would be happier at the otherside :)
Major duivel

-MajorDuivel faced death at 2:44 AM

Monday, October 12, 2009

I am officially hooked on glee more than vampire diaries hahaa…
Glee Is a drama that has singing as one of its element. Much like high school musical but on a better note as they sing more recently songs or rather they do covers of song from singer such as beyonce and etc. Thus it was a rather enjoyable show.

Yesterday, after doing all the helping out with my mom, we went or rather I drove my mom to tampines to attend one of our old neighbours; back in yishun, daughter’s wedding. My mom was so happy to see them all, all the Malays aunties and uncle actually stay nearby each other and have been in contact with each other all these years. My mom was so happy that to me it was like a scene like a high school reunion scene where good friends see each other again.
When I was younger I stayed in yishun my neighbors were all Muslims, all 3 of them.
My mom said it was quite noisy as we (the kids) would go each other house to play and also our house doors were never close or locked.
We all lost contact when they moved out one by one and so did we.
Now my mom was happy so as my dad, as these neighbors were really nice, friendly and helpful. And one of them is like my mom Best friend who is actually right next to our flat invited us to go over her place to have dinner one day and she will cook for us. My mom smiled and said : “I MISSED your chicken!” to that auntie. And here is the funny thing it was many years ago I only could remember fragment of things even their faces and my nickname was Girl girl they call me that hahaa…. But this auntie who invited us to her place remembered my name, even my brother name.

I guess fate of meeting old friends is something funny.
in Singapore it maybe a small country, but if you want to look for a person. It can be rather hard as the chances of bumping into your old friends are almost 1% only. On top of that everyone stay in different area and would have different lifestyle thus it would be hard to actually say it is easy to bump into someone you know unless you stay in the same area or you work around the same area they work in or you happen to bump into them when they are working, something like chances of serendipity.

I feel bad as yesterday or sat night I never text kt that I couldn’t make it I guess I have to make an apology to her on her facebook or I will email her about it.
*part on my knee*
my knee seems to be stronger, as I can do more stuff in training (with knee guard)
now I need to go make arrangement with my master there is a constant pain in one part of the knee when I do flexion and ax ion action. Hm…. I wonder how much longer does it take to be strong again. At least 85%-90% and I would be very happy.

-MajorDuivel faced death at 2:18 PM

Thursday, October 08, 2009

i am hook on this song now

Rihanna - Te amo

Te amo, te amo, she say's to me.
I hear the pain in her voice.
Then we danced underneath the candleabra, she takes the lead.
That's when i saw it in her eyes, it's over.

Then she said Te amo, then she put her hand around me waist.
I told her no she cried Te amo,
i told her i'm not gonna run away, but let me go.
My soul has arrived, without asking why.
I said Te amo, wish somebody would tell me what she said.
Don't it mean I love you.
I think it means I love you.
Don't it mean I love you.

Te amo, te amo, she's scared to breathe.
I hold her hand, i got no choice, uhh.
Pulled me out on the beach, danced in the water, I start to leave.
She's begging me and asking why it's over.

Then she said Te amo, then she put her hand around me waist.
I told her no she cried Te amo,
i told her i'm not gonna run away, but let me go.
My soul has arrived, without asking why.
I said Te amo, wish somebody would tell me what she said.
Don't it mean I love you.
I think it means I love you.
Don't it mean I love you.

Yes we can dance.
But you gotta watch your hands.
Watch me all night.
I move under the light because i understand.
That we all need love, and i'm not afraid.
I feel the love but i don't feel that way.

Then she said Te amo, then she put her hand around me waist.
I told her no she cried Te amo, i told her i'm not gonna run away, but let me go.
My soul has arrived, without asking why.
I said Te amo, wish somebody would tell me what she said
Don't it mean I love you.
I think it means I love you.
Don't it mean I love you.
I think it means I love you, I love you.

Te amo, te amo, don't it mean i love you.

-MajorDuivel faced death at 4:59 PM

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Howdy folks,

It’s been awhile hasn’t it?

I have been away for 3 days. And I would seriously say this I am not longer like
when I was 16 years old.

Why would I say that?

For these 3 days, I am constantly so wear out that I can’t stay up the night till the next morning like when I was 16 years old, darn suddenly I feel old. (Flash smiles at others, I know some out there reading this might kill me but hey I am talking abt myself hahha)
Ok let’s start this word blog, for pictures you guys can go my Buddy mag’s blog to see the pictures- - >

on Friday, I gotten everything ready and I was waiting for mag and xy to come over to help me out with the mini table I got. As on top of my bag, I have to carry/drag a cooler box filled with ice.

when they came over it was still quite early thus they chill in my house first before heading to the meeting point. While waiting I show mag the bag I was bringing, she commented that it was big but i told her I was lazy to actually pack everything into a smaller bag. And after much consideration, I repack my bag to my backpack. And even though I ask mag about certain things I threw out from my bag to fit everything into my backpack there was 1 thing I shouldn’t listen to mag. It was not to bring my jacket along. *bell buzzer sounded* it was definitely a wrong choice to leave it back home.

We all went to our meeting point after getting confirmation that V was all ready and is leaving her house. Thus our journey there was by public transportation which we need to transit a couple of times in this sequence Bus to train to bus again to reach the resort/chalet. Every one of us were very excited about this little ‘vacation’; we never hangout 24hrs together in a room together before neither did we had sleepovers before. Thus it was rather new and fresh for all of us.

When we got to our room I was shocked as the last time I came to downtown east chalet was on chee chin birthday and the room that I would be staying for 3 days 2 nights is the same as chee chin (room 1415). Thus I was laughing before I enter joking what if the number would open ? (Slight note it did open all 4 numbers for consolation yesterday but it came out 4151 argh.. I didn’t buy it)

So after we enter since it is 4 gurls staying there, everyone was being particular about where we should put our shoes& flip flops. V started to make all of us wash our feets and she started to rinse the toilet floor. Lol….

after discussing how to maintain our room in a Clean condition. We slack around the room, unpack abit of our stuffs and started Camwhoring hahaa.. after nuaing(slacking) enough we went to bowl at orchid bowling at Ehub. It was one of those moments I won’t forget at the bowling alley, how much I had laughed while playing. Vanessa and xin yi didn’t know how to bowl, on the other hand mag and I knew how to bowl but not in a very expert way. Thus there was lots of laughter’s in the air.
(we were playing halfway thru some dude came over and introduce the Nebo card to us and 3 of us signup for it)

after bowling we head to the supermarket to get some stuff we need. And I met cherrisa there , and I told her that I would swing by her birthday party later on. But I was having a bad ache and I told Vanessa that I think I did a fully body exercise today with the carrying on the ice box, up and down the bus , or even pass some pavement that doesn’t have a ramp. (the ice box is not that light, mag help me load it up the bus suddenly told me that her arm is starting to be weak, lol.. then I receive comments that I was strong haah.. I would rather say I am use to carrying such a load.) on top of that I was kind of scared because I didn’t bring my knee guard along, another item I left it at home. *grin* I have to pack less.

I went over to cheri’s birthday party I was shocked that none of my friends or people I know was there yet. I was kinda like a person out of place and I wanted to rush out of that place and go back to mag’s chalet room. But I didn’t, I just stood there looking around the room and slightly stoning; with all the exercise earlier in the day who wont to top it off I didn’t sleep much either for 2 days.

I was so relieved when Vincent came thus I chit chat with him catching up with him on what have been going on. I stayed there till the birthday gal cut her cake and I had finished up her triple chocolate mousse cake , which I felt was too Much chocolate for me and sweet and I had to force myself to finish it. I never like sweet stuff and chocolate I won’t eat a lot in a short period of time, thus I was nice enough to finish that big slice of cake on my plate. Plus with that cake in my tummy I was feeling slightly uncomfortable because I had instant noodles for dinner with mag & gang in our room. And we had a little drinking session thus somehow I feel abit sick. Cheri thought I was drunk when I came to her party haha… I am not ok. I am very sober when I went over.

Even though there were a little problem back in my chalet room, I hurry back and got what I need for Xy. After discussing with the rest that after I shower we can start our lesson on mahjong session, and I keep teasing them about showering. After that I self declare to them that I am a clean Freak so yup. they were aware clearly i am a clean freak but not to that extend haha..

we didn’t complete our plans by staying up the whole night to play mahjong, and we all were like good listening kids went to sleep at 2am. But I really think we slept at 3am the 1 hr in between were playing around in the dark, laughing and giggling. I seriously can’t sleep, I was not used having someone sleeping next to me and ontop of that the bed was different. V was the worst she didn’t sleep much but she told me that I and mag were the first few to fall sleep. I can’t deny that as I did sleep but I kept waking up and tossing and turning because my body muscles were aching.
The next morning(Saturday 04/10/09) even though we were so tired, mag and I were awoken by the noisy wild wild wet. They were doing microphone test and were blasting the music loudly. Mag started cussing loudly, and I was mumbling my swearing too. (lol mag swore so loud that I have to laugh at it.) on the other hand v and xy woke up and were wide awake unlike the two of us. Haha.. Then I heard some funny statement which I pretend I didn’t heard them say it and kept quiet and try to sleep again. Till V came and ask me again what I want for breakfast; like the typical me I didn’t reply as I close my eyes. She called out again and I told her im thinking and true enough when they mention breakfast I was thinking on what I want to eat. After all the lounging on the bed, mag went to get breakfast with xy from MacDonald’s but before this there was a mini drama and I was still space out on the bed and I heard screams and mag making a statement. This was what was said : “AH… COCKROACH!!!!” “Which person left the drain lid up?” “V COME AND KILL IT!!” and I was awoken by this mini drama all 3 of them were getting squirmiest with the cockroach and I was called in to kill it. After giving the cockroach a Wild wild wet journey back to the drain I went back to the bed and lie down and waited for my turn to wash up.
And basically we were rotting inside our room till 3pm afternoon and decided that we should get prepared for mag’s big day(birthday not wedding) so i got prepared and my dad called me and told me he was in the area as he was tendering for a job. Thus I went to meet up with him to chit chat, basically it so happen that he was in the area haha but I never thought of my dad checking up on me hahaha… but I was surprise that he came to look for me and he told me that since he was in the area he might as well meet me and have a tea or something before heading back home.

after my mini tea with my father, I went back to the room to look for the rest of the gang and they were still lounging in the room and in the absence of my presence mag took a short nap. I would say a very nice, comfy nap.

we head to EHub to get our nebo xzone card done and it was already 3+pm coming to 4pm and we received calls that mag’s family members had arrived in downtown thus we didn’t even managed to play any games in the arcade and we went to meet them. While waiting for more of her relatives to arrive, li chin came too along with her boyfriend but he came over to say hi to us and left after that.

ok I am doing a summary this is getting too long and detail. When mag’s buffet line came we went back to the room first to wait and get things settle. Thus when more guest came it was the start of mag’s 21st birthday party. Overall even though we discussed and agree with the no birthday pranks and sabotaging on the birthday girl because we were lazy to clean up the mess after that. But things don’t always goes as plan, mag’s MacDonald friends were all geared up to prank her. *do check out the cake smashing part on my fb video*
Basically the whole night we did lot of goofy and cam whoring. Doing lots of funny pictures like the one a naked person cover by the pillow it was discovered by me and I got them to pose for me haha…. Yes I am guilty as charged.
The last day was easy for all of us, since Vanessa and I did some area cleaning the night before. Thus it was really easy for us. As all we need was to pack our things up and we can leave.

Ok, enough of the chalet.

I shall summarize from here onwards. When I got back home, I was so happy to see mikey. I missed him so much and he was super happy to see me as I got His Laughing cow 8 big cube cheeses with me. And I fed it to him and he was like the happiest boy in the world. I of course did carry him and hug him like crazy, it is like I gotten so use to him being on my bed that without it seems slightly weird. Why did I bought him cheese? I guess some people might wonder, I make a pact with mikey that if he were to behave I would buy him his favourite cheese and on sat my mom called me up to make me talk to him and he reassure me that he had been a good boy, hehe he barked at me when I sad “Were you a bad boy?” lol and he did that pose which show we was good boy and my mom told me he say he was good boy. And he lick his lips when he show he was a good boy.
And after sending mag’s her birthday photo’s and talking to my friends online. I had a napped trying to get enough rest before I have to attend to someone else birthday. Which this 3 days straight of birthday cakes and birthday song being sung and buffets, I was getting a little sick of it. And at the sight of buffet I was all sicky.

Friday- triple chocolate mousse
sat- fruit cake (hehe.. Enjoyable)
Sunday- chocolate cake Again

*Shake head* please no more birthday cake for at least 1 more week or longer

Major duivel

-MajorDuivel faced death at 11:03 PM