Death, is only the beginning...

Monday, February 14, 2011

I guess my mood Is in a complete state of mess. Physically and mentally I am already dead, my mind is so tired and it has been pushed to the max. Today the whole day of Feb. 14 I was having a super trashy mood as dark thoughts were really running through my mind as it seems this time the overwhelming emo-ness is not going away I was so unhappy and not self motivated that I was basically slacking off plus the stress building up in me is not reducing either.

Somehow I felt so empty, alone that I needed my very close friends, but I had not talk to anyone the whole day and worst I was at home alone, I text my best friend which I knew he is very busy as he is flying off to work overseas for 3months and he might be busy packing his luggage, knowing him very well he have not completed packing yet. He didn’t reply my text which I didn’t really expect any reply either as I knew that I would already by now know what to do and he would know I just wanted to tell someone only.

On Saturday night I had a drink with my brother and we finish a bottle of brandy. Which when I got home and sleep in the wee hours on Sunday, with only 5-6 hrs of sleep and we both got up for brunch. And then in less than 12hrs I had to undergo tons of frustration which by the time it was up for me to leave the house to meet my friends. I left without a thought and also in a rush as I seriously was making my friend wait for me in town area. I went there and started telling my friend what happen, which she quietly listen to me and I also chat with her some other stuff.
After that we meet up with the rest of the gang which was meeting up later. I calm down instantly enjoying their company. I updated my best friend which he felt apologetic that he did really get any update from me about what is going on, as I gave him a brief summary and he went “it happened again?” I just nodded my head and told him I had enough that if I could really find a gun and put it directly at my temple, I will pull the trigger without even blinking or think.
For those few hours, I knew everyone of us has our problems and we were trying to catch up seriously to know. I came back home feeling dull too, as the problems were still around and it wont go away with just one outing with friends.

then the thought just entered my mind IF I have another half how good it would be as it would be a great distraction as long it is not adding on to my problems. Which I doubt so, my life is wrapped around dramas. That sometimes it get so drastic that im wondering am I having depression. Haha… Me with depression, maybe a mental break down soon, if I don’t find more sanity.
I wonder is it really the buildup in stress and tiredness that is Bring me down completely. This time it was any wrong move but external factors causing me to crumble from internally.

I somehow feel lucky that I don’t Smoke or I might die at the age of 45,And Im not considering an easy way out of things.

Ok Anyway back to today, I felt touch in a way. A friend of mine wished me happy new year, somehow it’s like someone was reaching out to you after I have not been in contact for so long. I knew that it was a very sincere quick chat, which it lighten my mood abit which then after that I pm one other friend on msn. And again I wasn’t expecting a reply Haha… I knew that everyone is busy. And 90% of the rest are working or studying. And I don’t want to call up anyone of them and say I want to talk but I don’t know what to say. As I only wanted the company and listen to them but not any talking abt myself that just weird I know HAHAHA… Im such a freak, and I am not on a leash yet. Then I can go sing “FREAK ON A leash” well HAHHAA technically the word leash has many other association with it.

Welcome back the real DUIVEL.
You dominated this time for sure and you won.

-MajorDuivel faced death at 11:59 PM

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

I guess I have been in a couple of shit moods. when I am out with my friends I know I’m in a unhappy mood and I was trying to shake it off by forgetting everything and enjoy myself with them. But I seriously think that things are getting out of hands even among us friends there are issues which had been lingering for too long and we never wanted to deal with it in the first place, because as usual it was better to leave it on its own. However, someone in the group always has to be the getting the shit. which was not fair to that particular friend, who always get yelled at or picked on for no apparent reasons.

The first trigger of my bad mood was my chem test which made me look like an idiot, and my beloved friends were nice to bring me out to clear my head and have fun. Then it was followed by a busy schedule CNY with so many things to get prepared for this occasion. Which I was just trying to have a light mood to it and be happy, but I guess the lack of sleep is killing me.

There is so much frustration among the group members that every one of them is going berserk soon. Sometimes I disagree with the saying “it’s always best to have a new friend then have an enemy” because I rather lose this friend and have he/she as an enemy than to make all our lives better.
I think Im starting to lose my nice self.

-MajorDuivel faced death at 12:49 AM