Death, is only the beginning...

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Sunday was a day that I would say I was both physically and mentally tired.i was choking back my tears on Sunday when I went back to the wake. I went back home at 6am to feed mikey and catch a nap before heading back to the wake with mom.
I went back with a heavy feeling in my heart. I was driving and I had to be strong for my mom as if I were to follow her and cry I don’t think I would even make it to the wake. I guess my brother, my dad and I is my mom’s pillar we have to stay strong for her which we did till the part when we can’t.

It was emotionally very sad for me, as I was controlling my emotion since the first day of the funeral wake. I was fighting to be strong and the breaking point was when I heard my mom sobbing very badly, my dad was holding my mom walking behind the coffin. Mom practically broke down and I was actually trying to go to the toilet when I saw my cousins and André carrying grandma coffin and not soon after that I heard wails and I recognized that voice I ran with all my life looking out for my mom. And at the point when I shall my mom I broke down, I quickly when in to help my dad support my mom and comforting my mom to calm down. My dad was also tearing too while holding my mom. Andre told me that he was choking back tears too while holding grandma coffin after hearing the wails as there is a saying that the coffin bearers can’t cry or even if you cry theirs tears cant drop on the coffin or the passed on person will find it hard to leave. When my brother and my cousins had placed my grandma in the vehicle, he quickly ran to our side and hold on to my mom. He started to cry too and hug my mom and walk.

The journey to the crematory ground was very heart wrenching. A lot of us in the bus we controlling our feelings, when we arrived at the crematory I told myself , that I might not be able to take it anymore as I have been suppressing my emotions for the past few days and I have been pushing my memories of my grandma away. The grandma that I will always remember, I shall only write on what I went through so bear with me readers if you are reading this. At the hall, I have not been good as I never wanted to look at my grandma portrait as we always call her pu ma(fat grandma) this is because I have two grandmothers which my parents find it hard to explain to us when we were young which grandmother are we visiting thus they will tell us we going to fat grandma house. The portrait used at the funeral was one that was before grandma became ill and senile thus there were lots of memories flooding my mind when I saw that. The auditorium was filled with jasmine flower smell as it was my grandma wish to have it filled the room with this smell. During that time I was sitting next to both my cousins both of which I have been consoling not to cry. As even I was finding it hard to control my emotions too, I turned to look at my brother he gave me a blown up face by puffing his mouth and I know he was holding back tears too during the service. I could tell everyone was controlling their emotions when people from the church was sending their condolences to us, most of us were holding on to each other for me I was holding on to my cousin hand she grab my hand and didn’t let go till it was our turn to offer a flower to our beloved grandma. It was quite chaotic here as everyone started to break down and cry. And some of them have to be escorted by their respective children. My cousins were all busy as we were all holding on to each other some helping their parents or younger cousin to the viewing gallery.

The viewing gallery was terrible. That I didn’t want to talk about it, at that moment of time I felt very very sad as if someone took something and stab me in the heart. Some many unwanted, bury memories started to flood through my mind as if it was yesterday I was still young.

When I boarded the bus to head back to my 5th auntie house, my thoughts started running like crazy forming words, words of things for my grandma. At that moment I suppressed that and compartmentalized it. Thus this is for my grandma.
You would be always remembered by me this way, for it will always be and forever it will be. The pain that course through our veins are a sign that in our heart there is always a place for you, even though our sadness is like a river flowing endlessly in us. I would want you to know how I will always remember you. You were the only grandma who I always looked forward to go to your house during occasion because without fail you will always give us a big hug and kisses on our cheek when you see us. And upon hearing us calling out to you before we reach the door steps you will always give us your smiling face. I will always remember that you, our grandma dote us all a lot and we always make you angry but you will forgive us after caning us. I remembered that there was a few times all of us ran out of the house some by the front door, some by the back door and the some by the windows. It was a real lively memory when we were in jalan kayu, our grandma house at the bottom floor.

We also won’t forget the food you have prepared for us. That even up till now I still missed eating in that house. I won’t forget our wonderful grandma who had difficulty walking because of your weight. You stood ourside the house and send us off one by one and who always smile and say good bye to us and after seeing the vehicle move off a distance then you start to return back to your home.

This is the grandma I would always remember, not the grandma who was heavily stricken with sickness and suffering. I know this is not fair when you moved out of jalan kayu u still were very sensible but we all had grew up so much and It was not like back then when you did all those small things that will always be remembered . as you were unfamiliar with the area and it would be a hassle for you to go downstairs with us. Therefore the best memories is back then to our so call playground neighborhood at jalan kayu.as practises couldnt be done anymore.

Rest in peace, I believe all of us will cope well in time.

Ps: I honestly had secretly wish that it was my grandma who go first as the other one didn’t really make me keep a place in my heart like my Gua ma( mom’s mother 外婆)
I have been smiling but it was that kind that was plastered there but now even if I want to smile I find it harder. But don’t worry guys I am well known for being strong I would be up and running very soon.

Mourning Major duivel

-MajorDuivel faced death at 1:31 AM